While some of you may know where I’ve been during my time away from the blog for the past couple of months, for those who don’t, I want to share a very special piece of my heart with you. As I get ready to come back to the blog, I’m looking forward to connecting and sharing with you guys again. I am so grateful for the community that has grown here. It is a place that I pour so much of my heart and passion into and it only felt right to share this part of my story as well. It is not lost on me how much of a privilege it is to get to be a part of your lives, and the genuine care, compassion, kindness and vulnerability that has been shown to us during this very difficult time is appreciated beyond words. It is a feeling we will never forget and for any of you who are experiencing loss or sadness, whether a similar situation or something completely different, I want you to know that you are not alone either.
On Monday, January 29th, our world came crashing down as we learned that at 27 weeks along, our sweet little babe’s heart had stopped beating. Two days later, on January 31st at 1:02 pm, I delivered our precious, sleeping baby boy, Theo.
As I sit down to write this, I am overwhelmed with so many different emotions. From the most profound and absolute heartbreak I have ever experienced, to gratitude for some of the most beautiful moments this life has given me.
To our precious little man – there is so much I want to say, yet it feels like there are no words that could possibly do justice to the love we have for you and the joy, hope, excitement, and beauty you brought into our lives for those seven amazing months.
The moment you were placed on my chest I felt like my heart was shattering into a million pieces. I longed to hear your cry and feel your heart beat against mine. I felt broken knowing that we would never get the opportunity to experience all of the life ahead of you. And somehow, in that same moment I felt full of more love than I could have ever possibly imagined. You made me a Momma, and you made Meik a Dad. I will never forget, for the rest of my life, the look on Meik’s face as he realized this. I remember him smiling through his tears and telling me you had my nose. He just kept saying – you’re perfect – and you are, and always will be perfect to us because you’re our baby.
As we laid there with you in the most meaningful hours I have ever experienced, we inspected every inch of your sweet little body – we noticed that you had the same long fingers as your Dad, and he told me to pull your toes out from under the blanket to see if you had his feet too – and sure enough you did – with the signature second toe extending past your big toe, which Meik has always joked is what makes him so fast. As we looked at your hair under the light, we could see that it was the perfect mix of both of ours – you had so much hair already! Locks of dark brown with an auburn tint.
Before your time came to join us in this world, our midwife sat us down and explained that we needed to think about how we wanted things to look when you arrived. Did we want to spend time with you, did we want to have photos that we could always remember you by. I remember feeling paralyzed in this decision – there was nothing I wanted more in this world than to hold you and tell you how much I loved you – but I was so scared that the pain would be too intense and that I’d never be able to recover from facing what we’d lost. Having it so close and then pulled away. But of course there was never any question that we would take every precious moment we could with you, our baby.
In those moments, she assured us that you would always be a part of our family and that we would never forget you. I remember those words searing through my heart, again, scared that the pain would just be too intense to face. But I was amazed to find that almost immediately, those very same words became one of the most comforting things to hold onto throughout this whole process. You have left the most special mark on our hearts that has changed us forever. Our worlds will never be the same, and as devastating as that can feel at times, it is the most beautiful thing I know.
Because of you, my love for Meik is deeper. My appreciation for the unconditional love of my family is that much stronger. The gratitude for the net of love our friends wrap us in through the ups and downs – I thought it was great before, but you have reminded me how much and how real all of the beautiful energy around us is. You have given me trust. Somehow, in a weird way this situation has given me the trust that it will all be ok. Because if we can sit with this pain and still be able to experience the beauty and joy that surrounds us, still be ok, I know that we can get through anything.
I know that there is a winding road ahead of us. There will be days when laughter comes easily, and others where the sadness feels debilitating. But there is no reminder greater than this to live in the moment. To appreciate the beautiful moments in life and welcome the challenges because there is beauty in those moments too. And in this one, I get to love you.
I know that If I can get through each moment, whether it’s letting the heartache take my breath away, smile at the thought of your cute little nose, or experience gratitude for all that is still so wonderful in our lives, I will be ok.
From the depths of our hearts, thank you for everything you have given us. Rest easy our sweet little Theo and know that we hold the most special of spaces in our hearts, and in our family, where we will guard you always with the purest love there is.
I’ll love you forever, I’ll love you for always, as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be.