While some of you may know where I’ve been during my time away from the blog for the past couple of months, for those who don’t, I want to share a very special piece of my heart with you. As I get ready to come back to the blog, I’m looking forward to connecting and sharing with you guys again. I am so grateful for the community that has grown here. It is a place that I pour so much of my heart and passion into and it only felt right to share this part of my story as well. It is not lost on me how much of a privilege it is to get to be a part of your lives, and the genuine care, compassion, kindness and vulnerability that has been shown to us during this very difficult time is appreciated beyond words. It is a feeling we will never forget and for any of you who are experiencing loss or sadness, whether a similar situation or something completely different, I want you to know that you are not alone either.
On Monday, January 29th, our world came crashing down as we learned that at 27 weeks along, our sweet little babe’s heart had stopped beating. Two days later, on January 31st at 1:02 pm, I delivered our precious, sleeping baby boy, Theo.
As I sit down to write this, I am overwhelmed with so many different emotions. From the most profound and absolute heartbreak I have ever experienced, to gratitude for some of the most beautiful moments this life has given me.
To our precious little man – there is so much I want to say, yet it feels like there are no words that could possibly do justice to the love we have for you and the joy, hope, excitement, and beauty you brought into our lives for those seven amazing months.
The moment you were placed on my chest I felt like my heart was shattering into a million pieces. I longed to hear your cry and feel your heart beat against mine. I felt broken knowing that we would never get the opportunity to experience all of the life ahead of you. And somehow, in that same moment I felt full of more love than I could have ever possibly imagined. You made me a Momma, and you made Meik a Dad. I will never forget, for the rest of my life, the look on Meik’s face as he realized this. I remember him smiling through his tears and telling me you had my nose. He just kept saying – you’re perfect – and you are, and always will be perfect to us because you’re our baby.
As we laid there with you in the most meaningful hours I have ever experienced, we inspected every inch of your sweet little body – we noticed that you had the same long fingers as your Dad, and he told me to pull your toes out from under the blanket to see if you had his feet too – and sure enough you did – with the signature second toe extending past your big toe, which Meik has always joked is what makes him so fast. As we looked at your hair under the light, we could see that it was the perfect mix of both of ours – you had so much hair already! Locks of dark brown with an auburn tint.
Before your time came to join us in this world, our midwife sat us down and explained that we needed to think about how we wanted things to look when you arrived. Did we want to spend time with you, did we want to have photos that we could always remember you by. I remember feeling paralyzed in this decision – there was nothing I wanted more in this world than to hold you and tell you how much I loved you – but I was so scared that the pain would be too intense and that I’d never be able to recover from facing what we’d lost. Having it so close and then pulled away. But of course there was never any question that we would take every precious moment we could with you, our baby.
In those moments, she assured us that you would always be a part of our family and that we would never forget you. I remember those words searing through my heart, again, scared that the pain would just be too intense to face. But I was amazed to find that almost immediately, those very same words became one of the most comforting things to hold onto throughout this whole process. You have left the most special mark on our hearts that has changed us forever. Our worlds will never be the same, and as devastating as that can feel at times, it is the most beautiful thing I know.
Because of you, my love for Meik is deeper. My appreciation for the unconditional love of my family is that much stronger. The gratitude for the net of love our friends wrap us in through the ups and downs – I thought it was great before, but you have reminded me how much and how real all of the beautiful energy around us is. You have given me trust. Somehow, in a weird way this situation has given me the trust that it will all be ok. Because if we can sit with this pain and still be able to experience the beauty and joy that surrounds us, still be ok, I know that we can get through anything.
I know that there is a winding road ahead of us. There will be days when laughter comes easily, and others where the sadness feels debilitating. But there is no reminder greater than this to live in the moment. To appreciate the beautiful moments in life and welcome the challenges because there is beauty in those moments too. And in this one, I get to love you.
I know that If I can get through each moment, whether it’s letting the heartache take my breath away, smile at the thought of your cute little nose, or experience gratitude for all that is still so wonderful in our lives, I will be ok.
From the depths of our hearts, thank you for everything you have given us. Rest easy our sweet little Theo and know that we hold the most special of spaces in our hearts, and in our family, where we will guard you always with the purest love there is.
I’ll love you forever, I’ll love you for always, as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be.
Michelle says
Beautifully written. So much love to you all <3
Lindsay says
Love you. xo
Dr. Lawrence Miller says
My heart breaks for your loss. I’m sending positive thoughts your way.
Stephanie Bogue says
Through honest tears… I love you two so much, and the world has a backwards way of telling us things. I have no answers to something so sad….as no one does. But. I do know, there must be a reason, beyond our human reach,,,and even though I know it hurts like hell, I really do believe that you two hold the collective power of a beautiful life, whatever that means, to you. Love you with all my heart, Stephie Bogue.
Tunya Pyne says
oh my goodness Lindsay I feel for you and your husband and your family in your loss of your precious baby boy Theo. I only just found out about your blog as I was looking for answers re healthy eating etc. Thank you for sharing your story, you are very brave and I feel you are very strong, and will with time, heal from such a heart wrenching loss. As a midwife myself I have seen parents deal in different ways and I wish you every success in this endeavour. Remember to be kind to yourself. Warm hugs to you and yours xx
Lindsay says
Hi Tunya. Thank you so much for taking the time to share these kind words of love and support. I really appreciate it and am so so grateful for your profession. I can’t imagine having gone through this without the support of our midwife. xo
Jill Clark says
My heart breaks for you both! I went into preterm delivery at 32 weeks . I thought we were going to loose him, Cole, 3 days in when he had to have surgery because he delevelped NEC .
Lindsay says
Thank you Jill. I hope you and your sweet Cole are doing great now. Life is so precious.
Tori says
Oh Lindsay, my heart is completely aching for you both. I truly can’t imagine what you are going through right now. I’m bawling my eyes out reading this – sending the biggest love your way my friend. He is so beautiful just like his mom. xo Tori
Lindsay says
Thank you Tori. He was such a special little guy and will be in our hearts forever. I really appreciate your support in this, and your honestly and vulnerability always. So grateful to have such a real and loving person like you in my life. Happy we’ve connected. xo
Jen says
Thank you for sharing your beautiful, and heartbreaking story. Having dealt with infertility and loss for years before we had our son, I really appreciate you bringing your story to us, even if we don’t know each other. He is beautiful, and you are brave for sharing.
Sending you all love
Lindsay says
Thank you Jen. Pregnancy is such a delicate and precious process. I am so happy to hear that you now have a happy healthy babe. Sending lots of love to you and your family and appreciate you sharing. Thanks for the support. It means so much. xo
Christy Trombley says
Wow Lindsay, I’m in awe of you. You are so strong, though I’m sure you don’t always feel that way. I thought about you often after learning of your beautiful boy’s story on instagram, and I’m sure the entire community of folks who follow you feel so privileged that you shared this with us. Please take care of yourself. Sending lots of love and strength from California.
Lindsay says
Thank you Christy. xo
Definitely don’t always feel that way but doing the best we can to figure out how to work through this. I also feel privileged that you guys allow me to share this, without judgement, just genuine caring and support. It has honestly helped a lot in the whole process and knowing you guys will be here through the ups and downs means so much. Lots of love to you in California.
Michelle says
❤ Such a beautiful tribute, Lindsay. My heartfelt condolences to you and Meik.
Lindsay says
Thank you Michelle. xo
Lipnicki says
Big condolences from all of us.
Lindsay says
Thank you so much. It means a lot. ❤️
Nicole says
This is so beautiful Lindsay! Thank you for sharing such a beautiful tribute to your little boy.
Lindsay says
Thank you Nicole. ❤️
Sabina Lakusta says
Lindsay,
Your words brought me tears and smiles all together and have touched my heart so deeply. Know that you you, Meik and little Theo will be surrounded with love each time someone reads this beautiful tribute ad they will be inspired to love in each moment and remember to live gratefully through both joy and pain as you do! ❤️
Lindsay says
Thank you Sabina for being there with your kind and loving heart now and always. We appreciate it. ❤️
Donna Lacey says
My heart goes out to you and Meik. I am so sorry for your loss. And I feel blessed that you chose to share your story of beautiful, sweet Theo. Thank you.
Lindsay says
Thank you Donna. It means a lot that I get to share him with you guys here. He is and always will be such a special piece of our hearts. Thank you for the support. xo
Sttephania Peguero says
I experienced a very similar situation at 24 weeks and It was a boy a well. My precious angel went to heaven after delivering at 24 weeks. We as well decided to have photos taken to keep with us forever. I have to say that it was very traumatic and strange to been going through such an experience, however at the same time we felt so much love and peace. I always say that God never gives us more than we can handle and its so true. With time the wound heals, but you will never forget that angel. Till this day we remember him and honor him as if he was here. I had two wonderful girls and now I’m expecting my 3rd girl. When I am asked how many kids I have, I love to tell everyone about him and how special was the little human being that made a mother. My oldest child is 7 and we have always been honest with her and tell her all about her brother. She loves to tell the world she has a baby brother in heaven who watches over her. I feel your pain and trust me, I know there are no words to describe the pain. I can only pray for you and your husband to give you peace, serenity and give you the strength you will need to continue on.
Lindsay says
Hi Sttephania. Thank you for sharing your story. I am so happy to hear of the beautiful family you have – your 3 girls and your precious baby boy. Your story brings tears and a smile at the same time, hearing how he is still a special part of all of your lives. Thank you for the strength, love and support. One day at a time ❤️
Maria says
Your Angel? baby ??
Lindsay says
❤️
Lindsay says
Forever with us ❤️
Brigitte McRae says
Lindsay- how beautifully you share this experience with us all. My heart bursts with love for you, Meik and Theo.
Lindsay says
Thank you Brig. All 3 of us are soaking up your love. ❤️
Chelsea says
Your so incredibly strong for being so vulnerable. ❤️
Lindsay says
❤️
Brittany John says
My heart hurts reading this and I can only imagine how this experience has impacted you both. I am glad to hear you have had a strong support system. Take care of yourself and each other.
Lindsay says
Thank you Brittany.❤️ I hope you’re doing well. xo
Allison says
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost a child in full term labour when my uterus ruptured and it shattered me into a million pieces. There are dark days ahead for you on your journey, but you will also find strength in your despair. Please reach out if ever you should need an understanding ear or perspective from 3 years out. For me the guilt was as bad as the grief. It’s so very hard. Sending love ❤️
Lindsay says
Allison ❤️ I am so sorry to hear of your heartbreaking story. Thank you for sharing, along with the support and hope from someone who has been through a similar situation. Your love and compassionate words mean a lot. Sending lots of love your way as well. Thank you for being here. xo
Laura Dawe says
Thanks for sharing! Having lost a Theo at 19weeks I feel your pain! You are so brave to share your story. It will help so many that are too scare to share. You are not alone!
He will never be forgotten. We just celebrated our 7th year since we lost our Theo.
Lindsay says
Oh wow ❤️ Thank you for sharing Laura. It is comforting to hear that he is still such a special part of your life. To our Theos. Absolutely to never be forgotten. Sending lots of love to you and your family. xo
Meghan says
You, your husband, and your beautiful little boy are on my heart and mind, sending love, healing and prayers your way. XOXO
Lindsay says
Thank you for keeping us in your heart and in your thoughts Meghan. We appreciate it. xo
Melanie says
My deepest condolences. .
Lindsay says
Thank you Melanie ❤️
Mary says
I read this this morning and I didn’t know what to say. Having had two recent miscarriages I know there really are no right words to say for the heartache, and emotional and physical turmoil. I’m glad you have so much support, love, and positivity in your life. Thank you for sharing your beautiful son Theo with the world ?
Lindsay says
Hi Mary. I am so sorry for the heartache you are experiencing too. It’s crazy how hard we fall in love with these little babes right from the beginning. I will be keeping you in my thoughts as well. Thank you for the support. All 3 of us appreciate it :). xo
Liz Gardner says
This is such a beautiful piece. My thoughts and prayers for strength and healing are with you and your husband.
Lindsay says
Thank you, Liz. We appreciate it so much!
Lisa McKinney says
Dear Lindsay,
These are the most beautiful words. I can’t imagine the pain and immense sadness of missing your gorgeous, precious boy. I’m so, so sorry you had to go through this but I’m also amazed at what an amazing mummy you are. Your little boy was so blessed to have you as his mummy- caring for and loving him all through those precious months. xo
Lindsay says
Thank you for your loving words Lisa. Your message is so touching. Thank you for taking the time to support us and share in Theo’s Story. xo
sarah says
so beautiful, thank you so much for sharing ❤️
Lindsay says
Thank you Sarah and thank you for being here
Lynn says
Thank you for sharing your story……..my heart breaks for you…..and I am amazed at how you are handling it. Theo has a very strong Mama!
Lindsay says
Thank you Lynn. It has been a lot of ups and downs for sure but just trying to get through one day at a time and appreciate everything he brought into our lives. Thank you for the support.xo
Shannon says
What a beautifully written letter of love to your precious son. My deepest condolences and heartfelt empathy from one mother who has lived and loved through this type of loss to another. Take time to feel and honour this whirlwind of emotions. Sending you so much tenderness and support.
Lindsay says
Thank you Shannon. Thinking of you and the one you lost as well. Thank you for sharing. Your love and support is felt and appreciated. xo
Leigh says
He is beautiful, and your strength is amazing. Sending you love and aloha from one mom to another.
Lindsay says
Thank you Leigh. I really appreciate the support. Taking in all those Aloha vibes. xo
Monique says
❤️ I’m so sorry for the loss of little Theo. He was beautiful.
Lindsay says
Thank you Monique. He was very special. xo
Pierina says
Breaks my heart you went and are going through all this. You are such an amazing, strong woman. What a beautiful tribute to your sweet son. Your strength is an inspiration to all those around you.
Lindsay says
Thank you Pierina, your words mean a lot to us during this difficult time. Thank you for your support, it is so appreciated.
Jim Fornelli says
Lynsday & Meik: I am so deeply touched by your sharing of this tragic event in your lives. Your message is filled with Love and includes the range if emotions from deep sadness to immense love. You both created Theo out of love and his passing from this life has and will continue to strengthen that love. You both are strong and the short time you had with Theo will help carry you through the coming months and years of the rollercoaster of emotions and experiences that this loss will bring you. Theo will be an angel in your life, to which you can call on to enrich you in times of need and to celebrate in times of gratitude. We never know what challenges will be presented to us in the mystery of life, it is clear that you both have the strength to move with and grow from this.
May you both know peace as you move on and continue to share your life experiences. It is with deep compassion, love and admiration, that I send this.
Much love Jim Fornelli
Lindsay says
Hi Jim. Thank you so much for those comforting words. You have always been a great mentor in my life and I appreciate that you have continued to be there for me and us throughout all these years. Thank you for sharing in Theo’s story with us. He is so lucky to have such an amazing community around him and as you said, he will be with us forever. Lots of love to you and the family. xo
Melissa says
I happened to find your website by chance today and I can not just simply pass through after reading your story to leave it forgotten. As a mom, you find your absolute deepest weaknesses and strengths. Your words are beautiful. From one mom to another, hugs.
Lindsay says
Thank you for taking the time to stop and show your support, Melissa. It really means a lot. I appreciate your kind words and the Mama hugs. xo
Vesta says
Reading your blog makes my tears run and my heart hurt. I love you so much, I hope one day in a very near future u can look back at this and only remember the positive aspects of the whole experience. You and Meik are so lucky to have each other to get through this dark days. Sending you love ❤️
Lindsay says
Thank you Vesta. Love you guys too and sending so much love your way. We are definitely very lucky to have each other and I know that we will be stronger together for it. xoxo
Meghan Allan says
Thank you for sharing your pain, love, and loss Lindsay. I can’t imagine how difficult it’s been for you and Meik. But I do know it happens more often than people share, and I’m sure your story will help others. You’ve been on my mind, and in my heart lately. Big hugs to you.
Lindsay says
Thank you Meghan. I really appreciate that. It has been eye opening to see how many people experience this heartbreaking loss. Although I would never wish this on anyone, it has been comforting to know that we are not alone and I hope it can help others know the same. Thank you for your support, as always. We really appreciate it. Lots of love. xo
Kristi says
Sending so much love to you, meik and Theo…I’m so proud of you for sharing your story. You will touch so many lives and your bravery is so admirable. Love you to the moon and back❤️❤️❤️
Lindsay says
Love you so much. What would I do without you. Thank you for being the best sister and Auntie. So lucky to have you by my side. xoxoxo
Gina says
My heart breaks for you, but your bravery in sharing your story and being vulnerable is helping so many heal ♥️ Sending love and positivity your way…❤️
Lindsay says
Thank you for the love and kind words Gina. ❤️
Charissa Morgan says
Lindsay,
Thank you for sharing your precious Theo with all of us. He is absolutley beautiful and those toes! So cute, so precious …. ❤️
As you wind the path ahead please know you are not alone and that you and your husband are so loved by your family, friends, and lifted in support by the online community.
I know that no words can speak peace too your loss but from one mom to another I wish there was something I could say or do too ease your pain. My heart aches for you and your family.
Love, hugs and here for support,
Charissa Morgan
Lindsay says
Thank you Charissa. Your heartfelt words are comforting and I am so grateful to know what loving and caring, amazing humans are in this community. Thank you for sharing your love and supporting our family in such a hard time. It is appreciated more than you know. ❤️
erin says
Lindsay, I can feel the depth of your heart. You have so magically expressed an experience that words could never fully capture. Thank you for sharing from your soul. I admire you’re willingness to feel and courage to invite people in. Your, Meik, and Theo’s story is a gift to this world and Theo’s memory will be cherished. With so much love and admiration, thank you. love you.
Lindsay says
Thank you Erin. Love you too ❤️
And thank you for your support that began far before this experience. I have you to thank for helping me get comfortable in these feelings and trusting that I will be ok despite them. Lots of love to you
Karrie says
I just want to say thank you to you and your family for sharing such a heartbreaking moment. I too, went through something fairly similar. To sum it up – I had an emergency c-section at 28 weeks where they found our little man in a very sick condition and he did not survive.
Your words here hit very close to home but you spoke it so beautiful and perfect and left a lasting legacy for baby Theo.
I can tell you this – it gets better. Hard to believe some days and some days wont be better, but its exactly as you said. It has changed you and in some ways – opens your eyes for the better. I know you don’t know me but if you ever need to reach out, please feel free.
Lindsay says
Hi Karrie. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am so sorry for your heartbreak as well. These little babes capture our hearts right from day one. I was saying to Meik the other day, it is the weirdest thing but now having had the chance to hold our precious little Theo, I almost wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s a weird feeling but I feel so fortunate that no matter what, I will always get to be his momma. Thank you for the reassuring words and for your support. It means the world. Wishing all the best for you and your family and sending so much love your way. xo
Kara says
Oh Lindsay, thank you for having the strength and courage to share Theo’s story. And thank you for the reminder to be thankful each and every day for those we hold dearest to our hearts. My heart breaks for you and Meik. Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you. Wishing you peace and healing. xo
Denise says
My heart is breaking for all of you. Thank you so much for sharing Theo’s story and we will remember him and our hearts go out to you. Sending love.
Bill says
Lindsay, I’m very sorry to hear about your tragic loss. Please know that many people have unfortunately been down this path before you and you are not alone. Time will help with some of the necessary healing and I hope you come to peace with it and will try again. You’ll make a wonderful mom.
Lindsay says
Hi Bill, thank you so much for your kind words. Sorry for the late reply to this. Your strength and love mean so much. And thank you for reminding me I am not alone. I would never want anyone to go through this but it helps to know. Lots of love to you.